I never want to send out a bad newsletter, which has sometimes led me to not send out a newsletter at all. Every time I have had to skip a month, it’s because the topic I’ve had in mind has needed more time to germinate. I had originally intended to, and still want to, send out newsletters far more often, but my creative process often involves “stepping away from the problem” - spending time doing other things or focusing elsewhere while I work out some rough idea of what I want to say.
This has meant that the release schedule of the newsletter has been less than consistent to date, but in my opinion, the quality has always been worth the extra time - whether it was a dissection of why I didn’t like Final Fantasy XIII-2 or why I found myself unable to stop playing Overwatch long after its release.
This does not remotely resemble the attitude I have towards streaming.
Despite being well aware that nothing is perfect and very few things ever go entirely to plan, I find myself feeling incredibly guilty whenever I choose not to, or am unable to, stream, even if not doing so is a direct benefit. I didn’t start streaming to become famous or turn it into a job, and I’ve long made peace with the fact that I probably won’t ever crack 1000 followers. However, repeatedly being unable to even come close to meeting what I feel are fairly modest expectations of myself doesn’t feel great.
I’ll be blunt: sometimes I’ll have a stream that absolutely knocks it out of the park - my playthroughs of Thirty Flights of Loving and Sagebrush earlier this year were memorable experiences that I genuinely enjoyed - but the majority of the time, especially when I’m fairly deep into a game, they’re kind of just there. I can hope that people have fun, or at least are entertained, but despite having done 330 streams in the last two-and-a-third years, I wouldn’t call myself a good streamer. I’m all too aware of my weaknesses, and haven’t been effective at combatting them.
Despite everything, though, I still enjoy streaming. I recently had to relocate for three weeks while some work was done on my property, and one of the things I missed the most was the ability to stream. Even if I skip more streams than I would like, or focus more on what’s going on in the game than I should, I don’t want to give it up. The world is much different than it was even two years ago, when I first set my streaming schedule. While I regret that I don’t have as much opportunity to spend time with the wonderful community that has supported me, life is constantly changing, and often in ways that we have no agency over.
All any of us can do is the best that we can.
Do you find yourself streaming less often? Let me know! You can always find me on Twitch.
This is a very succinct way of describing a struggle I have. Life moves so fast, and with isolating to my house no longer being a necessity, I find my streaming days to be more sporadic. While I love hanging out in Twitch, online, etc. I also find that having 98% of my social interactions be completely online (including my working day) can really be a bummer, especially on days I stream to no one.
I don't have any more of an answer to the guilt - I feel like there is an "obligation" this far into my streaming career (or whatever word is appropriate) but sometimes other more pressing obligations trump it in life, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I've let down the community that has grown around me.